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lite_brite_girl
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Name: H.
Location: United States
Gender: Female
Interests: good books . good art . music . morbid beauty . everything . nothing . trashy sophistication . psychology . real friends . fake love . pretty girls . nice boys . nature . plastic . iced water . hot tea . hallucinations . reality . contradictions
Expertise: I am lovely and weak
I am foul when I speak
I am strange when I'm kind
I am frying my mind
♥
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/28/2005
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| Now, it's in an ugly statee at the moment, but the link for my new xanga is:
http://www.xanga.com/broken_teen_dream
Go there.  | | |
| I think this xanga is making me fat.
Irrational? Yes.
But I'm starting a new one. Expect linkage soon.
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| Why is it that every time I see my grandma, I end up binging? I don't even remember all of what I ate, though Taco Bell and Wendy's were involved. This entire experience really makes me see who's unconditionally there for me. My daddy has always been the best person towards me. I had started getting a headache and bloating like crazy on the ride home, and he could see I was in pain. He just turned to me and said, "Hannah, I love you, you know that. I'd never judge you or think you were a bad person no matter what you did. If you need to do something when we get home, well, I understand. I may be the only person who thinks this way, but I understand. I don't blame you. You do what you need to do." So... yeah. I ended up purging a bit. Definitely not all of it, but enough so that I was somewhat comfortable. God, I'm so wasteful and ungrateful. I don't know how I got back to purging, but it needs to stop. I think I need to deal with the root problem, which would be binging. How exactly to tackle that, I don't know. But I will. I won't allow myself to be any more of a waste than I already am.
Y'all want to do me a favor? "Verbally" abuse me. Tell me I can't do this. Tell me I have to. I'm strong-willed, and seem to respond strongly to verbal abuse. I know, it sounds crazy and masochistic, but so is begging yourself to just go on one more minute, one more day, and starve. I don't need support right now. Support makes me too comfortable. Support makes me feel safe. And we all know that food isn't safe. I need someone to tell me what I already know. Tell me I'm a fatass and need to do something about it. Tell me I'm not worth the waste of food, of space, of precious oxygen. Please?
Luck & Love... | | |
| I think I've become nocturnal. *Gasp!* I went to bed around the time I would've been eating breakfast, and the woke up after lunchtime. Then I went on to just stay out of the kitchen entirely at my designated dinner time, because my mom was making pancakes and sausage, and the smell was making me feel sick. So yesterday all I had was antacids, a multivitamin, a diet coke, unsweetened tea, water, and a piece of sugarfree gum. That's what? 30 calories? And I didn't even try this time.
Well I'm doing time inside a grapevine
Little things amuse little minds
Well, nothin's free except a little bit of bad advice
On how to live on only water, bread and rice
I should try to stick to my plan today, though. I need to free myself from dependency on laxatives. I think that involves eating. Something about metabolism? I don't know. Part of me wants to deny that it even exists. I mean, really, if you need food to function and you need to function to lose weight, then why are the majority of people who don't eat losing weight? o.O
Around again
Insane again
It comes again
And sets me free
I'm assuming everyone's heard about Lindsay Lohan? No need to really discuss that, then. All I have to say: She does drugs and makes herself puke... Who isn't doing that now? Oh, shocker! She's a teenaged girl. Maybe this is the point where society should really look at itself and go "Hmm, where are we fucking up?"
Sometimes is all the time
And never means maybe
Sometimes is all the time
Maybe.
Hmm, this is getting to be really long. Well, there isn't much more to write. I think my ex is backing off a bit, now. I mean, I'm relieved, but then I'm just a bit disappointed. I'm like "Wait, he's not going to try harder?" Oh, that's horrible, I know. Mmm, I'm in love with Japanese Street Fashion more than ever, now. It's like the entire body is made a piece of art made of clothes. And otherwise... well, I suppose it's obvious that I'm at an emotional high point again. Kinda. Is arrogance-tainted-indifference a positive emotion? 
Luck & Love... | | |
| So, I convinced my mom that therapy (at least, with an ED specialist) is a bad idea. I also promised not to purge. I've been given rules, you see:
-no using the restroom for 30 minutes after eating.
-no taking a shower for 1 hour after eating.
Fine. I'll just follow glassbone's (thanks, btw) advice and eat only negative calorie foods. It's not even like I enjoy food, except from time to time, but they buy all of this junk and I just want it out of the house. That's how I get rid of it. Binge on it and then flush it all away right after. I tried explaining this to her, she ignored it and said "but what will Jacob (little brother) eat?" Umm... how about we don't make him a junk food addict? Sure, he's got a fast metabolism now, but he's already starting to get a little chubby.
So, the rules for the next week or so:
-Raw fruit for breakfast and lunch.
-Salad or raw veggies for dinner.
-Designated meal times are 8:30-9am, 12:30-1pm, and 5-5:30pm. No eating before, after, or in-between these times. No eating outside of the kitchen.
-Must do at least 3 sets each of 100 jumping jacks, 25 crunches, and 15 push-ups a day.
-No more than 2 diet cokes a day... or it'll become a habit.
-Must take a walk daily.
Meh. I'll probably be back to fasting by the 9th. That's when I need to be 127. They don't really care to notice when I don't eat, only when I end up flushing their precious, expensive junk down the toilet. Well, that's where it belongs anyway. I'm off to finish this diet coke and then read... or go to bed. I'm physically exhausted, but my mind won't seem to let me sleep. Staying up all night is far more fun and entertaining in a manic state. Maybe I need some sleeping pills or something?
Warm sun feed me up
And I'm leery loaded up
Loathing for a change
And I slip some boil away
Swallowed followed
Heavy about everything but my love
Swallowed sorrowed
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and yet
Just wanted to be myself
Hey you said that you would love to try some
Hey you said you would love to die some
In the middle of a world on a fishhook
You're the wave
You're the wave
You're the wave
Swallowed borrowed
Heavy about everything but my love
Swallowed hollowed
Sharp about everyone but yourself
Swallowed oh no
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and you're not
I'm with everyone and yet
Piss on self-esteem
Forward Busted knee
Sick head blackened lungs
And I'm simple selfish son
Swallowed followed
Heavy about everything but my love
Swallowed oh no
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and yet not
I'm with everyone and yet not
Got to get away from here
Got to get away from here
Got to get away from here
Got to get away from here
I miss the one that I love alot
I miss the one that I love alot
I miss the one that I love alot
Bush=love ^_^
I seriously need to pull myself from this depressive state.
Looks like I won't be finishing my diet coke... as I've just spilled the entire thing on the mass of cords by my bed. Who's idea was it to plug all of the chargers for everything in by Ms. Clumsy's bedside table?
Edit://
I've found the cure to depression and binging.CLEANING! and of course my playlist made almost entirely of HIM and Bush.
Edit2://
Hmm, it seems my boobs have gone away. Oh, well, it's of no concern to me. Just fat that my body used up...
Next time I go to VS I am totally buying a push-up bra.
...or maybe I'll just get a really big ace bandage and help it along? I don't really care for them, anyway.
Luck & Love... | | |
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